and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
soo... how was my night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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