Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Is this like a preordered booty call?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
