Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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