He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize