drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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