i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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