so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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