I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
