I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
