You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize