I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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