Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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