I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
