We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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