my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize