I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
