I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So squirting runs in the family.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
