I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
