"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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