whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
