if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Still dying that you shit outside
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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