my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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