dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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