she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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