some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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