Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize