I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
