she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
