he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
