dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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