Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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