I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
