Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
