kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
