At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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