i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
