I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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