The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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