when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
