He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
