when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
