I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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