you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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