are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
