I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
