remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
