so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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