Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
did you just send me my own nude
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
