I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize