I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
