He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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