i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
