the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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