I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
