theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
